Before I get into this, I’d like to offer you guys a little background for it… A few weeks ago, I was having a brief depressive episode, and since that kind of thing happens to me more often than I’d like, I figured I’d at least try something new with it. With this in mind, I sat down and began writing out my thoughts, to kind of explore where my mind was going in a sort of stream-of-consciousness thing. The result is really weird, repetitive and confusing, but I’ve preserved it in it’s original form, and I’m posting it now on the off chance that getting it all off my chest will be therapeutic. Here we go.
I have issues. I want to go into detail about some of them, but I’m afraid, because if I do, I might look weak, I might look pathetic, and I might look like I’m trying to gain peoples’ sympathy by boasting about my problems. Is that what I’d be doing? Even if other people don’t think that, will I think that? Will I feel bad about being manipulative? Dragging my own shit out of the closet and dumping it all over somebody else? Would I just be ruining their time, which was going along just fine until I decided to interrupt it because I wasn’t strong enough to work through my shit by myself? How can I tell people that they’re the ones making me feel this way? That when I see them, and they’re not having the issues that I’m having, I get jealous of them? And I compare myself to them? And I dwell on how unfair it is that I have to have issues with things they’re succeeding at?
But that’s not fair to them. Of course it isn’t. They’re not like me. They don’t think the way I do. They don’t see the world the way I do. I think things come more naturally to them, but I have no idea. Maybe they have advantages that they work their asses off to have, or are still working for, and I’m just the weird one, so how can I tell them that the minor accomplishments that they downplay are actually comparable to my peaks? That I’m doing much worse than they were at their worst, and in fact, my best was about equal to their worst? When a chicken complains about it’s limited flight abilities, and wishes it could fly as high as an eagle could, what if a penguin overheard that comment, and felt really shitty about the fact that he couldn’t even fly as high as the chicken? Should that penguin say something? Should it tell the chicken to be happy with what it has, because things could be worse?
No, because it’s not the chicken’s fault that the penguin can’t fly. The penguin should stop being so negative and be happy with what it has. It shouldn’t point out it’s own limitations, and it shouldn’t bother the poor chicken about how it’s comment made the penguin feel. It would just make the chicken feel bad, and the chicken was already feeling bad that it’s not an eagle. The penguin should just shut it’s stupid mouth and take solace in the fact that by doing so, and not laying all of it’s problems on someone who was already troubled and probably can’t do anything to help it anyway, that the penguin is the only one miserable. It was never meant to fly like the eagles, or even like the chickens. It can’t fly, it never will fly, it’s pointless to bother others about it’s problem. It shouldn’t feel like shit over the things it can’t do. It can’t become an eagle, or even a chicken, and even if it could, what would that resolve? It wouldn’t be a flying penguin, it would just be another eagle.
So is it better to hide your problems, and just pretend you don’t have any? Are you supposed to just pretend that everything’s cool, that you’re super laid back about things, and that you don’t care about the things you’re coming up short on? Are you supposed to just keep trying, keep going it on your own, even though nothing’s working? Are you just supposed to suffer in silence, hoping you can just fade into the background as the people around you go about their lives, watching them from the sidelines, wanting them to do their best, knowing that if you start talking about your own situation, you’ll have to either lie and pretend that things are going great, or take the huge risk of mentioning how things actually are? What if what you’re saying makes things weird? What if they think you’re guilting them out? What if they think you’re just trying to gain sympathy? What if you ruin their day, and they give you weird looks from then on?
You can’t be negative, right? Nobody wants to be around someone who’s negative. They have other options,. They have other friends. If you start being negative, they’ll gravitate towards more positive people, and you’ll lose them. They don’t need to worry about your problems. You shouldn’t be having problems. You should be normal. People say things like ‘normal is overrated,’ or ‘what’s normal,’ but they don’t realize how abnormal abnormal can be. They don’t realize how badly your baggage can weigh them down. Everyone eventually hits their limit, regardless of their intentions. They tell lifeguards not to save people who might drag them down with them, and if you know you’re just going to be that person, then why should you even yell for the lifeguard in the first place? Is it better to just let yourself fall beneath the waves?
What if there’s a part of you who wants to do just that? What if there’s some toxic, destructive part of you that wants to drag someone else under? What if you don’t want to drown alone? What if you want to drag the people who make you feel shitty down to your level, even if they weren’t trying to hurt you? Even if their intention was never to make you feel bad, what if they were never thinking about you in the first place? What if that penguin saw the chicken wishing it could fly like an eagle, so it walked over, told the chicken off, and then watched as the poor chicken, having no idea what he’d done, apologized, expressed some sympathy, and then looked sad himself? Should the penguin take some joy in the fact that it’s not suffering alone, or should it have just kept it’s stupid mouth shut and gone home, so it couldn’t ruin the party?
What’s the penguin even supposed to want in that scenario? What are it’s options? Either feel shitty alone, or make someone else feel shitty. That’s all it gains by dragging it’s problems out. It’s easy to tell a penguin that it should be happy with what it has, and that it should go back to swimming, but have you ever been that penguin? It wants to fly. It’s not going to stop wanting to fly just because it can’t. But telling it to not give up and just keep on trying to fly is condescending and irresponsible. You’re telling it to waste it’s life on something it can’t do just so you can be positive, and not have to deal with the guilt of telling it that it simply can’t do the things you do. So why should the penguin say anything? Why should the penguin put someone in that position?
How do you ask for help without feeling like a burden? And even if you do, where does it go from there? People give you advice. They try making suggestions on how you can help yourself, but here’s the problem… Your problem is either something you’re doing, or it’s you. If it’s something you’re doing, great, you can do something else. You can stop doing that thing. But what if it’s you? What if you think it’s something you’re doing, so you commit your time and money to it, but it winds up being a complete waste of both because the central cause of the problem was always you? What if the problem is such a huge portion of you that, if you changed it, you wouldn’t be able to recognize yourself anymore? Can you change yourself? Should you? Doesn’t everyone always say you should just be yourself? What if yourself is the worst thing you can be? As well as the only thing?
I guess at that point, you’d turn to family, right? They’re obligated to support you. They’re not allowed to give up on you, because you’re their blood, and God just happened to saddle them with you for life. You tell them you’re shit, they tell you you’re great. You tell them you have nowhere to go, hey, they’ll shelter you. They’re your safety net, and as long as you don’t over-hear the wrong conversation, you’ll never have to find out what they really think of you. Unless they’re really shitty actors, or they can’t tell a decent lie to save their lives, you’ll never have to think about what they say about you behind your back. They love you, but they don’t like you, and you know they talk about you because you’ve heard them, and you’ve observed way too many odd coincidences in regard to what you tell one person and how another person acts afterwards.
But your family is obligated to you. They have to drown with you. They can’t rely on the benefit of distance and separation like everyone else can. You’re ruining their lives, and the things is, you don’t have a choice in the matter. Even if you don’t ask for help, They never cut the cord, but they never admit to you that they have any issues with you, so if you don’t start a dialogue with them, then whatever impression they have of you will spread through them like cancer, and you have no control over it, and you’ll never know what it is, because they’ll never admit any of it to you. Just by existing, you make their lives worse, and it’s their fault for being nosy and talking behind your back, but it’s still your fault for giving them something to talk about. They can’t relate to most of your problems, and they won’t admit to the ones you have with them, but they won’t go away if you ignore them. Is disappearing the only option? Cut and run? Burn your bridges, get rid of the people you can’t make amends with, and give up on the things you can’t do?
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense. A few hours ago I got the idea to just write down how I feel and not stop until everything was out. I’m probably going to post it, because I want to try something different, and let’s be honest, writing reviews isn’t really working out. Honestly, I’m doing worse than I was before my hiatus, and that’s saying something. I don’t think people want to read the kind of reviews I write. They’re more into episodic reviews, but that’s not what I want to do. I didn’t get into writing reviews for the sake of blogging, I got into blogging for the sake of my reviews. Changing to that kind of format would defeat the whole point of this, and besides, what if that doesn’t help? What if it’s just me? What if this, like so many other things, is just something that I can’t do and shouldn’t try to do? Should I just give up and do something else with my life? I’ve never had a single paypal donation since putting the link in my Contact page, and this blog doesn’t make any money, so maybe I should quit and use my spare time to get a second job instead.
I don’t know if this counts as a cry for help, and furthermore, I don’t know if I want help. Maybe it’s therapeutic for me to just let it all out. Hell, maybe it’s therapeutic for you, I don’t know you. I don’t know your problems anymore than you know mine. If you don’t mind me being a giant fucking hypocrite, then I hope everything’s going well for you, and I hope this post didn’t ruin your day. It was never intended to be a passive aggressive pipe-bomb, but then again, I don’t think anyone really intends to be passive aggressive. They just realize, in retrospect, that they have been.
I know this kind of post is weird for me, but I’ll be back to business as usual next week. I write my posts way in advance, and I have enough on the stockpile to get me through at least september. After that, I don’t know. It’s weird that after five years, I’m only getting an average of about 50 views a day, and I only have 127 followers. I’ll try to just keep swimming and not let it bother me.
See you next Saturday.