109 Inconvenient Questions; Moana!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I haven’t done one of these in a long time. And I’m not talking about Inconvenient questions, oh no, I do those all the time. I’m talking about doing an Inconvenient Questions post with a brand new Disney movie. I’ve done one for an old Disney movie, namely The Shitmare before Pissmas, but in terms of new Disney movies, I haven’t done one of these since Big Hero 6. Why? Well, Inside Out and Zootopia made too much sense. Yeah, I had some questions about the fundamentals of their worlds, butt I didn’t have any confusion over the story or characters of either. Also, I’d rather eat a dirty sponge than see The Good Dinosaur.

I rented Moana out of Redbox, and within five minutes, I had so many question that I knew one of these posts would be inevitable. So here I am, less than 12 hours later, watching it again with the benefit of hindsight. So for those of you who are new to this format, here’s what’s going to happen… I’m going to go through the film, from start to finish, listing every single question I have with the material, with a special focus on questions I don’t think the writers wanted anyone to ask. It’s kind of like Cinema Sins, but a different approach from a different perspective, so the similarities aren’t strong.

Oh, and this time around, I’ve decided to include a new feature: A timestamp on every question! That way, if you don’t want to watch the movie while reading this, you can just skip to the exact time of every single question I have! Isn’t that convenient?

Let’s go!

1: 00:01:00 In the universe of this movie, is there a world outside of the Polynesian Islands, or are they the only humans alive?

2: 00:01:06 Where did Te Fiti come from?

3: 00:02:10 Why was that tiny stone so important? Why does Te Fiti need it to function? Is it… Holy shit, is it an infinity stone?

4: 00:02:22 Okay, it’s her heart… Why is her heart on the outside of the body, instead of the inside?

5: 00:02:50 If Maui can turn into animals, why did he need a boat to reach Te Fiti?

6: 00:02:58 This is a spoiler, so I’m sorry to give it away, but if Grandma knows so much about Maui’s assault on Tefiti, how does she not know who the lava monster is?

7: 00:03:40 How does Grandma get the stuff she’s spilling on the parchment to move like that?

8: 00:03:58 How does she know there’ll be a chosen one?

9: 00:04:10 Why does her accent not match her son’s accent?

10: 00:04:12 Haven’t we had enough stories where the main character’s parents/Guardians want to keep them secluded somewhere safe, but they’re obviously wrong, and the main character has to break free? The Croods, Tangled, Hunchback of Notre Dammes, Finding Nemo, Hotel Transylvania, Little Mermaid, Zootopia, Frozen, Raising Gazorpazorp… The list goes on.

11: 00:04:32 Is exposition really a better thing to say here then “They’re just posters?”

12: 00:05:18 I actually really like how the water choosing Moana is set up… She shows herself to be brave and curious, then she saves a baby turtle, it’s really well done. But wouldn’t those birds kill her? She’s a toddler saying Shoo, and they’ve got eye-gouging beaks.

13: 00:05:30 Also, isn’t that baby turtle remarkably similar to the ones from Finding Nemo? Shared universe confirmed!

14: 00:07:27 Playing on the beach in ankle-deep water is too dangerous? His entire clan lives right next to the beach, what did he expect was going to happen?

15: 00:07:40 What the hell prompted this random discussion about her future?

16: 00: 07: 42 Jesus Christ… Try to play on the beach, and you get lectured about your proper place. What a weird family.

17: 00:08:21 What’s the deal with that bird? No, seriously, I dare you to say it. What’s the deal with that bird?

18: 00:08:31 It’s established that Daddy won’t let anyone go beyond the reef, but he won’t even let his kid TOUCH the water. Why?

19: 00:08:57 Now that they’re singing about coconuts, I have to ask… how accurate is this movie in regards to Polynesian culture? It’s watered down for kids, isn’t it?

20: 00:09:04 We know the chicken doesn’t feel pain… Either that or it’s suicidal… Still no explanation?

21: 00:09:50 Mostly asking for the lulz, but… Why does it look like Moana’s grandma is teaching her water bending?

22: 00:09:55 Okay, about this ‘father’s daughter’ crap. I’m glad that there’s a rising demand for and supply of strong female characters in media, but why are so many of them tomboyish? I’m not saying that’s a bad way to be, but after Brave, The Last of Us, Inside Out and others, it’s starting to seem like there are a lot of writers who can’t put a female in a starring role without giving them traditionally male interests to make them feel more relatable and easier to write. Hey, Hollywood, want a challenge? Make a feminine lead female character, and try to write them in a strong and relatable way. Just one. I dare you.

23: 00:10:05 Also, stubbornness and pride? These would be nice character flaws, but everything she does that’s stubborn is in pursuit of saving her people, and pride? Forget about it. She does nothing prideful, and hell, she’s more tenacious than stubborn.

24: 00:10:04 Was her father just waiting there this whole time?

25: 00:10:15 Why does she have even less of an accent than he does?

26: 00:10:35 Why is he just now giving her the ‘everything the light touches’ speech?

27: 00:10:49 Okay, I’m getting the impression that this village is traditionally patriarchal. Did the position of village chief just go to the first born of the family, who just happened to be male for the last three generations, or was it a long line of men that he just decided to ignore for his daughter’s sake?

28: same Also, wouldn’t it give the movie’s ‘girl power’ element a lot more heft if she wanted to be chief, but her father refused to let her, instead waiting for either a male heir to be born or for someone in the village to marry into the family? That would give her something to prove, as well as adding more personal stakes to her quest, wouldn’t it? Feels like a huge missed opportunity.

29: 00:11:30 If nobody leaves this village, and nobody crosses the reef, how inbred are they?

30: 00:12:14 How long has that pig been alive?

31: 00:12:15 If tomboyish female leads wasn’t enough of a cliche, does she have to have awkward speech patterns, too? That’s just as cliched! It’s also based heavily on modern American vernacular, which I guarantee is going to make this movie dated!

32: 00:12:38 Okay, I’m trying really hard not to jump on the whole “Mary-sue, she’s way too perfect” shit, but she can climb like an expert, fixes household problems, teaches dance to kids, has a male character whining while getting a tattoo put in front of her to make her look stronger… I’m just asking, at this point, what are her flaws?  don’t say stubbornness and pride, because BS.

33: same Also, where did that kid learn non-traditional dance moves?

34: 00:12:48 I’ve gotta say, I’ve been doing Inconvenient Questions since 2014, and I have never felt compelled to look up the lifespan of a chicken before. Now, he was alive when Moana was a toddler… We’ll lowballing by saying she was three… And according to Wikipedia, she’s sixteen now. That chicken was an adult 13 years ago, which isn’t entirely impossible, but even the chickens you take the best possible care of rarely make it past 10, and he eats rocks. Why is the old dude criticizing this chicken, who’s technically a medical miracle?

35: 00:13:25 Why did they bring him all the baskets of coconuts, when only one or two samples would have had the same effect?

36: 00:13:45 She’s doing great? Her solution to dying coconuts was to plant a new grove. That’s not going to happen overnight, ya know.

36: 00:14:55 He’s gonna give her shit for bringing up an obvious question, so here’s my question: What is HIS big idea for finding more fish? She should ask him that.

37: same Couldn’t they just hold a council and brainstorm as a tribe, to see if anyone can figure out a solution to the fish problem? She could probably find some support there.

38: same: At least, couldn’t she go around her dad and talk to the people directly, telling them about the fish shortage and winning them over with the threat of starvation vs. the unknown? This paranoid douche can’t possibly say no to the whole island, and besides, riling up a crew is a lot more feasible than going out by herself, which she tries later.

39: 00:15:24 This really bugs me. Moana’s idea to fish beyond the reef isn’t personal, it’s for the survival of the island, but the movie seems to immediately push this little detail aside. If they don’t find somewhere new to fish, they starve, and Daddy’s refusal and accusation should put the weight of the world on her shoulders, along with the growing discontent of the island on his. But no, this is all abandoned so a Let It Go clone can be set up. Fuck this movie.

40: 00:15:50 Similarly, his mistake when he was younger cost his friend’s life, but his decision now will kill his entire village. Also, he’s trying to save Moana… By starving her? This would make a lot more sense if he had some plan he was holding out on, or was waiting for their deity to provide for them in their period of need, but no, he’s got jack shit other than being afraid and staying put. He’s putting his entire village in danger of starvation, has no fucking plan to prevent it, but we’re not supposed to think about that, because it’s a Disney movie and we know the hero/heroine is going to make the right decision and save the day, making the consequences of this asshole in chief irrelevant. Fuck this movie.

41: 00:16:36 Speaking of which, how many Disney songs is this ripping off? Let It Go, Go The Distance, Reflection, Belle, Colors of the Wind… Am I missing any?

42: 00:18:30 What was her plan? Go out alone and without any supplies?

43: same And why bring the pig?

44: 00:18:55 how was she planning on proving this without any fishing equipment?

45: same It just hit me… Why did the fish disappear? If the curse lies beyond the reef, wouldn’t they more likely be living around them to escape the violent waters?

46: 00:19:33  Those reefs should have shredded her skin like a cheese grater, right? Didn’t she get off a little leniently from that?

47: 00:20:50 There’s no fish, but there’s Manta rays? Can’t they eat those?

48: 00:21:09 I love how self aware this portion of the dialogue sounds.

49: 00:22:28 The designs on that wall look suspiciously like modified swastikas.

50: 00:22:55 Okay, I’m confused about this timeline. Granny talks about their ancestors being wayfarers, and these boats are the remnant of those days. But Moana’s Dad knows about them, and makes a remark about why he didn’t have them burned. Is he the one who sealed them up? How long ago was this? How has this knowledge faded with time, if it happened so recently that the current village chief was alive for it? Also, didn’t the curser happen over a thousand years ago? Look, I’m not saying none of this is feasible, but I’m seriously going to have to see some kind of timeline on it.

51: same Also, going to drop this in here for good measure… Parent’s want to protect their curious kid from the sea that they’re drawn to, and lives right next to. It’s a Little Mermaid 2 rip-off.

52: 00:24:07 Also, where did her vision come from? It made sense in Tangled, since Rapunzel was having a series of repressed memories awakened, but how is a picture of a boat suddenly giving Moana flashes of her ancestors?

53: 00:26:25 Why are there no sea monsters in the rest of the movie? You can’t break the law of Chekov’s gun, lady. You said sea monsters, I want some fucking sea monsters. The giant crab doesn’t count.

54: 00:27:30 I’m sorry, but I can’t look at that sky hook and not laugh. I can’t decide if it looks like a testicle, or a boob from the side. I want to find a copy of this movie where they edit that hook, making a copy of it, flipping it, and making the complete nutsack.

55: 00:28:20 I can’t help but think there’s a better way Moana could have approached this confrontation. One that didn’t make her look like a lunatic.

56: 00:28:33 Why didn’t he burn them? No, seriously, why didn’t he? And that’s once again ignoring the issue of how he even knows about them.

57: 00:29:05 I’ve gotta little bit of history with watching elderly relatives health fail as they approach death, and I’ve never seen one of them suddenly become sick and bed after walking around on their own just ten minutes prior. They don’t go south that quickly. They’re not fucking cats.

58: 00:30:00 nobody else is noticing the dying woman telling Moana things they definitely don’t want her to hear? They’re oblivious to this?

59: 00:30:50 I feel like this moment would mean more if Moana’s mother had, like, any development. At all.

Thank god they’re out of the village. Questions should be scarcer now.

60: 00:32:36 How’d the chicken get there?

61: 00:32:45 Most normal chickens wouldn’t realize they were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and freak out about it. A 15 year old chicken with a brain defect, however, is perfectly aware and able to grasp the situation. Cluck this movie.

62: 00:33:26 What’s her attachment to this chicken? Did she never eat chicken growing up? She ate pork, so we know she’s not vegetarian, so why is this particular chicken so special to her?

63: 00:34:25 Why is the ocean such a dick to her?

64: 00:35:40 I don’t really mind HER surviving the wipe-out, but how did the chicken?

65: 00:37:38 Why isn’t that bird’s neck breaking?

66: 00:38:23 Why doesn’t the stone give Moana any special powers, like what Maui’s describing?

67: 00:39:30 Is Maui aware that there’s no factual basis for anything he’s bragging about?

68: 00:40:30 If The Rock is such a bad singer, why is this my favorite song in the movie?

69: 00:41:30 Why has it taken this long for the chicken’s purpose to be realized?

70: 00:41:49 How did… THIS WHOLE SEQUENCE… Happen? None of this is believable. The ladder being conveniently there, Maui being able to knock over a huge statue and parkour her way up that hole… This is all bullshit.

71: 00:42:36 How did she go from a dive to a belly flop?

72: 00:44:00 How come he never acted afraid of the stone before? He grabbed it, sat up with it set right in front of him, never had the fearful reaction till now.

73: 00:45:20 I’m not even gonna question the existence of coconut pirates, but I will point out how lucky it is for Moana that they’re not human, so she can defeat them without having to get blood on her hands. Talk about a sterile threat.

74: 00:46:05 No magic powers? Didn’t he speed away from the island at first, when he was trying to leave her behind? Can’t he speed again?

75: 00:46:54 If we’ve established that the stone doesn’t have any power, why are the Coconutsies trying to obtain it? And better yet, how did they sense where it was?

76: 00:47:00 Having the two doors on the boat be connected seems like a bad idea. You wouldn’t be able to reach anything stuck between then.

76: 00:48:15 How does poison affect a coconut person? Does it have a bloodstream?

77: 00:48:45 I have a feeling Moana would do decently in a death battle.

78: 00:51:10 I feel like we’re missing a scene. You know, the one where Maui realizes that the stone didn’t give humanity magic powers, and is instead cursing it. If I just missed it, let me know where it is.

80: 00:51:21 Actually, now that I think of it, if the water can carry Moana on it’s own, why not just do that? Rush her there through the water, with breaks to breathe?

81: 00:52:35 How can poison affect an immortal demigod?

82: 00:55:05 That chicken joke was awesome. Why did his banter with his tattoo have to kill it?

83: 00:55:28 Why doesn’t the speed that we SEE her climbing at not match the amount of progress she was able to do when we DIDN’T see her?

84: 00:57:33 How did that fall not kill her?

85: 00:58:03 How did THAT fall not kill her?

86: 00:58:44 what does the rest of that spiny giant monster look like? I have to know!

87: 01:00:20 How did he cover his own shell with treasure?

88: 01:01:20 Was that switch in tone supposed to fool anyone?

89: 01:03:55 Why does the crab know Maui’s backstory?

90: 01:05:35 Yes, I did quite like the song.

91: 01:06:27 Bupkis is, I believe, a yiddish word. How does Maui know it?

92: 01:09:20 What about him made his folks ditch him? Was a weakling born in Spartan-esque society?

93: same I mean, the last time someone rejected Maui for not being good enough, he just took his destiny into his own hands, cut an epic heel promo and became the peoples’ champion.

94: 01:09:43 Okay, so, his folks threw him into the ocean as a baby, the gods turned him into his current form. Did they magically age him up by thirty years, or did he just grow to adulthood while drowning?

95: 01:10:00 He did all that for his parents, and they still rejected him? What the hell was so wrong with their infant that becoming a freaking Demigod didn’t make up for?

96: 01:12:02 Can Maui turn into other humans?

97: 01:14:40 I really want to make a Lord of the rings joke here, but I can’t think of a good one.

98: 01:15:20 Couldn’t Tekah just destroy their boat, or set fire to the sail?

99: 01:16:00 Is he really going to give up after one attempt? not strategize, or something?

100: 01:16:40 If Te Fiti is on the other side of Tekah, couldn’t they just go in from the opposite direction?

101: 01:17:45 Could the fact that he’s going to return like Han Solo be any more obvious?

102: 01:19:10 I’m not going to make the Mufasa comparison… I don’t think that’s a fair criticism, to be honest, and bringing the Grandma back at this point was a really good choice… But I will ask, how does a ghost have enough physical presence to hug someone?

103: 01:19:26 She kinda did, though. She had to put the salvation of the island on Moana’s shoulders, not only to counteract her parents’ brainwashing, but oh yeah, for the salvation of the island.

104: 01:23:45 How did Tekah sense she was coming?

105: 01:26:10 how did Tekah’s skin burn Maui’s lizard feet, but not his shark mouth?

106: 01:31:40 How’d she fix his hook?

107: 01:34:00 The island heals, then Moana immediately shows up. There’s no way they’d accept the connection so quickly, as stupid as her father is. She would more likely have a ton of explaining to do.

108: 01:34:40 Seriously, how has the chicken survived this long?

109: 01:36:00 I know I was saying Fuck This Movie earlier, but to be more specific, fuck the first act. The rest of the movie is more or less fine.


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