Hello readers, this is the Fullmetal Narcissist anime blog, and ‘Tis the Season to nitpick!
A long time ago, I read an article on I-mockery.com about how weird and messed up the old Rudolph cartoon was, and it was pretty enlightening. It’s stuck with me to this day, after what has to have been ten years or more. In honor of that old article(link will be provided at the end), I’ve decided to give old Rudolph the once over with an Inconvenient Questions post! I will of course be pointing out some of the same things they pointed out, because I like to be thorough.
I am fearing for my life.
For those of you who’ve never read an Inconvenient Questions post, I go through a movie or small series, asking every single question that comes to mind and writing them down in sequential order. I will nitpick it to death over both major and minor complaints, and I will take no prisoners. It may help to watch along as you read this.
There are spoilers ahead.
1: Those were impressive editing techniques back in the sixties, weren’t they?
2: Were newspaper headlines faded on top of actual movie footage one of humanity’s first tropes?
3: Was the Sanitation Army a thing?
4: How exactly does foul weather postpone Christmas? I mean, people just stay at home and open presents, so… Oh, right, Santa. Gotcha.
5: I just had a weird thought, but I’m not sure it applies to this movie. In most Christmas movies where Santa exists, parents don’t believe in him, and the only way that’s possible is if some magic makes them believe THEY bought all of the presents Santa leaves. so if Santa is stranded at the North Pole, how will that affect peoples’ perception of reality?
6: Also,how bad is the weather if it’s affecting San Fransisco?
7: Why couldn’t Burl Ives be immortal? The world would have been a happier place with him still in it, Christmas or no Christmas.
8: Is that snowman straight up spoiling the end of the movie?
9: Wait, so the North Pole is a town, and they grow Christmas trees up there. Does that mean Santa has neighbors?
10: No, they clearly don’t. wouldn’t it be more realistic to call this Christmas Forest, instead?
11: So, why can’t Santa be skinny? I mean, I’m not knocking them on a body-shaming issue, or anything, but… Who’s going to see him? Who’s going to know he’s not fat? And wouldn’t a skinny Santa be able to fit more presents in his sleigh?
12: Why would we be worried about him not being fat? Are we planning to kill and eat him?
13: What kind of segue was that? And he really is just spoiling the end, isn’t he?
14: Why do some stories feel the need to chide the audience about not having heard the story before? Okay, the movie was made only fifteen years after the song was, so I guess…
15: So, how did Rudolph get his nose? Does it run in Donner’s bloodline? Is it cancer?
16: Does it respond to the strength of his emotions?
17: Why does his nose make a musical cue when it lights up? Is this whole mess the result of a whistling booger?
18: How does Santa know Rudolph will be on his team someday? Is there really expected to be an opening, and aren’t there several young reindeer in his school?
19: How are Rudolph’s first words a name he hasn’t heard with any distinct tone or repetition yet?
20: Would the context of that scene have changed if Santa called Rudolph Bright instead of Smart?
21: I kind of agree with Santa on this one. At first glance, you’d think a reindeer with a glowing light in front of his eyes wouldn’t see clearly enough to be of any use in flying, even on a team. That’s some legally blind circumstances, right?
22: When Santa says he’s going to shine up his jingle bells, is it wrong that the Axe ‘wash your balls’ commercials play in my head?
23: Why didn’t THIS song become a holiday season classic? I know this is ironic, but I’m tired of hearing Rudolph.
24: Considering this was the sixties, the screen writer was apparently REALLY good at disguising his anti-homophobia message. Am I the only one who’s noticed that?
25: There’s no dirt in that cave that’s the color of the dirt on Rudolph’s nose. Is that poop?
26: So why does Abommy hate Christmas? Can we get a backstory on that?
29: Am I the only one who hates time skips?
30: I’d ask how those elves and their wood crafting have adapted to modern times, but Family Guy already went there.
31: So, why didn’t they expect the one elf that looks different from the rest to also not conform to them? At least Elf called attention to Will Ferrel clearly being the odd number.
32: If the elves know what a dentist is, then they clearly face the possibility of dental problems. What would be wrong with following a career path that could ultimately be for the better good of the community’ health?
33: So hold on. All elves apparently make toys, so why is it treated like a job? And what do they expect him to do when he gets fired? Seriously, I know they’re going for a subtle “You can’t be gay if everyone’s supposed to be straight” type of metaphor, but couldn’t they find a better parallel?
34: Herbie’s lips really don’t match what he’s saying, do they?
35: Inspected for what? I know this has to happen because of the nose thing, but what else can they get rejected for?
36: Why doesn’t the blonde fawn get ostracized for being blonde?
37: Why is Santa such an asshole?
38: Why are there so few elf variations? And is that tall one with the glasses supposed to be Brainy Elf?
39: How strong are that tuba-Elf’s lungs?
40: If we’re supposed to buy into the fact that Santa’s bag can hold enough presents for the entire world’s child population, then we have to assume it’s bottomless and contains a magical void inside of it. A void that tall elf should be eternally lost in right now, right?
41: Oh no… you mean the guy you were okay with firing didn’t show up? What a disaster!
42: And didn’t he already quit?
43: How does fireball know one of the does likes Rudolph, if they were all giggling?
44: Isn’t his fake giant nose almost as unusual as his red nose?
45: Once again, there are only eight reindeer on the sleigh, so how many graduates is Comet expecting to have?
46: If Rudolph is laughing at the first reindeer for crashing and burning, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for him when he gets laughed at?
47: Why is Fireball so invested in Rudolph’s love life?
48: So how exactly did the fake nose come off? I know the glow didn’t do it, because light doesn’t work that way… Do reindeer just breathe really hard through the nose when excited?
49: Once again, how is Santa wrong? The only way a glowing red nose that’s powerful enough to light up the night could be a hindrance to your flying is because it would hurt your vision. Seems logical enough to me.
50: These aren’t games, though… They’re flight classes.
51: So if Ms. Pac-Deer didn’t think Rudolph was hot, would he have just turned into a very cold hikkikomori?
52: What do his problems have to do with pretend rainbows?
53: I’ll believe Elves can survive the cold, but how did Hermie not suffocate under that snow bank?
54: So they’re going from independent to codependent?
55: How is that reflective lake not frozen?
57: Is the Abominable supposed to be a metaphor for hatred and intolerance?
58: There’s something ironic about a snowman getting the shivers, isn’t there?
59: How is Mush a north pole word?
60: Why aren’t any of that dude’s dogs big enough to carry a sled? This is animal abuse.
61: Where exactly is he looking for gold and silver? Under the snow? In the frozen ground? Sorry, prospector, but your prospects are slim.
62: Did he just lick his pick-axe to check for silver and gold? How does THAT work?
63: He’s more likely to find cartridges for POKEMON Silver and Gold falling out of Santa’s sleigh than any actual stuff hiding in the ice. What’s this guy’s deal?
64: I’m not saying this movie is full of filler, but did we really need a song about silver and gold? This is the most pointless snowman song that I’ve seen since the one from Frozen..
65: So this is an anti-materialism song? Okay, fine. Sing about the evils of expecting gifts from people in a movie where the entire conflict is over whether or not Santa will bring thos gifts. I’ll wait.
66: Oh, wait, that wasn’t satirical? this movie really brought in a Silver and Gold song just to say how important decorations are on a tree? Next thing you know, they’ll be using platinum to express how important it is to dress your dog up as a reindeer.
61: First of all, how bright is rudolph’s nose? If Abommy can track it even in places where it would have to climb over shit to see it, that must mean it has a glow that extends several yards in the air, in the daylight. We see no evidence of this throughout the movie. Secondly, why does he move so damned slowly?
62: Even as slowly as the Bumble moves, how did it not catch up to them?
63: If the Bumble sinks, how did it climb back out of the water?
64: Why doesn’t Cornelius want BOTH silver and gold anymore? They’re both valuable!
65: Why is Donner so sexist? Can chicks not fly?
66: Is that Aslan?
67: Is this the island of factory rejects?
68: Okay, let’s assume kids still played with Jack in the Boxes. Now let’s assume the name Charlie would really make the toy undesirable. Why can’t Charlie just SAY his name is Jack?
69: How about Chuck? I’d believe a Wal-mart brand toy would be called a Chuck in the Box to avoid royalties. That name’s close enough the at least poor kids wouldn’t care.
70: Is it weird that I knew someone as a kid who had a polka-dot stuffed elephant?
71: Why would anyone put square wheels on a toy train? And couldn’t you just swap them out with round ones?
72: There is no fucking way that water pistol only shoots jelly. Nobody would ever think of that, and even if they did, where the hell’s he getting his refills from? Empty out the chamber and fill yourself with water, idiot! Hell, you’ll probably need water to clean out the dried jelly from inside yourself anyway! That shit has a shelf life!
73: The boat that can’t stay afloat doesn’t need to be played with in water. Kids can use their imaginations. Also, wouldn’t a toy bird that swims and a cowboy doll riding on the back of an ostrich actually be cool as shit?
74: What’s the doll’s problem? Do apes not want a human doll that can talk?
75: Is King Moonracer supposed to be a metaphor for stoned-as-fuck writers?
76: Why does Corny have to rub it in like that?
77: I agree with Moonracer. Santa could DEFINITELY find kids that would want a cowboy riding on an ostrich. As for the rest of them, maybe? Aside from the train with square wheels, non of them would be completely useless.
78: How could the abominable see his nose inside of a house?
79: And why are we calling it two different things at this point? Either drop Abominable and start calling it Bumble, or don’t call it Bumble! You’re confusing people!
80: I’ll bet King Moonracer could take the bumble. I’d pay to see that fight.
81: If they needed Corny’s pickaxe to cut off that piece of ice before, how did Rudolph get one by himself?
82: Did that polar bear just politely ask a delicious slab of glowing venison to leave her kids alone? Because last I heard, Polar Bears don’t fuck around like that.
83: How long has Rudolph been alone at this point?
84: How did he find his way back?
85: He grew up that far in mere months?
86: So there are eskimos up there? Explain that, please!
87: How did he know they’d be in that cave? Boo! I call BS!
88: “Oh, they’ve been missing for months, I’ll wait till NOW to try and eat them!” This is the worst abominable snowman ever. The one that nabbed Luke Skywalker didn’t wait that long.
89: Oh, Rudolph’s folks were just standing there chilling while he was about to eat her, apparently? Not their kid, not their problem!
90: Antlers to the balls? not very heroic, Rudy.
91: Did they really mix Bumbler’s roar with an evil laugh?
92: Wait, the snowman sent them after rudolph? Did they meet him in a deleted scene, or something? Or is he controlling the story like a God? PULL THE STRINGS! PULL THE STRINGS!
93: How would the Bumble even know what a pig sounded like?
94: First of all, holy shit that’s cruel. Second of all, Bumble’s mouth should be, like, gushing blood right now. Third, can’t he still physically attack you?
95: Oh yes, get the women back to Christmas town… After all, THEY’RE the ones in danger here. You silly females, doing man stuff.
96: Was boss elf refusing to let Hermie become a dentist because he has bad teeth and is afraid of dentists? It all makes sense now…
97: Bumbles bounce? Seriously? We’re going with that?
98: Rant Time! Are you seriously telling me that just because you took away that Bumble’s teeth, he no longer has the basic biological need to eat stuff? He no longer wants to fulfill his carnivorous nature? He’s going to starve, as long as they let him do ONE JOB that will barely ever be required of him? Even as a kid, this villains whole thing lost me. Remember kids, if you’re ever attacked by a large hungry beast, just knock it out and take away all of it’s teeth, and it’ll not only be completely harmless, but it’ll be a salad-eating vegan! Worst villain since Eneru.
99: So if the storm doesn’t go away, they’ll have to cancel Christmas? Not postpone, not work in a different time zone… Cancel?
100: Okay, I get that Rudolph’s nose would light up short length areas… We’ll ignore the fact that it should blind him… But can any kind of light shine clearly long distance through a blizzard?
101: Everyone in that house was an asshole until they found out they could use rudolph to their own ends. Rudolph should at the very least negotiate with them, or something. “You want me to guide your sleigh? Gimme 1000 salt licks, bitch! And from now on, my family gets to live in this house, not outside in an igloo! How badly do the kids want Christmas, you bastard?”
102: How did Santa get fat already? He was skinny less than a day ago!
103: Since those reindeer want to pull a sleigh, and there’s only so many spots open on Santa’s ride, why doesn’t Cornelius hire a few of them and give his poor toy dogs a break?
104: How did the misfit toys get on that island in the first place? Did Santa toss them out of the sleigh several years ago in an asshole rage?
105: Why aren’t any of those toys getting wrapped before delivery?
And that’s my list, adding up to an odder number than I’d like. Whatever. I had a blast writing this list and revisiting an old classic, and I hope you had a blast reading it while doing the same. And if you’re looking for more Reindeer-bashing fun, check out the list that inspired me, at the link below and have yourselves a Merry Christmas!