Hello out there dear readers, and welcome to another installment of Inconvenient Questions! For those of you who are new to this, it’s a feature where I watch a movie from start to finish, writing down every question I can think to ask, under the assumption that anybody related to the project I’m critiquing would never, ever want to have to answer any of those questions. Since my first subject for this feature (as well as the inspiration for it) was the recent Disney movie Frozen, I’ve decided that my fourth outing should be with their newest animated feature, Big Hero 6!
Now, I’ll be asking my questions in chronological order, all the way to the end, so… Yeah, there be spoilers ahead, so don’t read if you haven’t seen the movie yet. For the rest of you, enjoy!
1: I hate to be that guy… Okay, I lied, I love being that guy… But if this is what technology looks like in this story, then what does war look like?
2: At such a high level of technology, why is that lamp’s light still flickering?
3: A waitress who just happened to be walking by had to announce the winner? They should hire somebody for that.
4: Why doesn’t that guy have pockets for his money?
5: If that robot’s head was so poorly connected that he could rip it off in one try, why was he about to compete in the first place?
6: Haven’t we seen diminutive challengers get condescendingly laughed at enough already?
7: Why are underaged kids allowed into such a seedy event in the first place?
8: Why is he using his real name when dealing with criminals?
9: Hiro is supposed to sound like Hero, right? Subtle.
10: Why did the buzz saw hit right between the magnets, instead of cutting through the magnets themselves?
11: He’s not even going to ask how Hiro’s planning to fight again?
12: He built a hidden rotating face just so he could pull off this joke?
13: It just occurred to me… Hiro has clearly done this before, so is he only swindling assholes, or is he swindling decent people too? Based on Yama’s reaction to him, they don’t know each other… And I doubt he looked him up on the net, since what they’re doing is illegal… It is entirely by chance that the person Hiro’s swindling deserves it, isn’t it?
14: Everybody just watched as Yama picked up a teenager and carried him outside to beat him up?
15: Why don’t they just steal his robot for their own use?
16: How did his brother know where to find him?
17: We saw earlier that Hiro was controlling his robot with buttons. How is he using it to attack Yama while completely out of eyesight?
18: How is the robot just gliding after them?
19: How is hitting your little brother during a high speed chase on a motorcycle without seat belts a good idea?
20: Couldn’t they just stop, lift the motorcycle over the dumpster together, and keep moving?
21: There was not enough room to pull off that ramp move! Those boards were against the wall, and not even secure!
22: How is he not holding on, and yet not flying off?
23: What were the cops doing blocking off that specific alley?
24: Who called the cops about the bot fighting event?
25: Why don’t they just say that they weren’t gambling, and that they all had the money they brought? I’m not experienced with the subject, but could the cops prove otherwise? Did I just witness Civil Forfeiture in a Disney Movie?
26: Why does their aunt’s lecture seem less parent-like, and more exposition-like? I mean, she doesn’t talk about the danger, or a loss of trust, but instead describes every detail of their family situation… Which Hiro and Tadashi already know about!
27: So… No punishment? Seriously?
28: Why was she going to host a poetry night, if she clearly hates it? That doesn’t sound like a big money-maker…
29: Why doesn’t Hiro just lay low? Did the cops confiscate all his money, winnings and all? Was it ACTUALLY Civil forfeiture?
30: How does genius Hiro know so little about college?
31: Why is Hiro reminding Tadashi what age he was when their parents died? For the audience’s sake? Because… Bad! Bad Writing! No!
32: Okay, so… This movie takes place in the future, right? Because even today, calling college ‘nerdy’ is outdated. It’s biggest criticism… Aside from the whole rape thing… is that it’s unreasonably and insidiously expensive. Especially tech schools like this one.
33: Seriously, though, what is his beef with college? For a 14 year old who’s already graduated high school and clearly has no friends, Why does he consider college too nerdy for him? Does he really want to spend the rest of life earning a living through illegal bot fighting? I mean, I’d understand if it was a money issue, or if he didn’t want to attend college while too young to legally enjoy it, or if high school was social hell and he doesn’t want to go through that again, but… It’s too nerdy? That’s it?
34: Why is the robotics lab open this late?
35: How do electromagnet wheels know how to stay the right distance from the bike while supporting a human rider? I’m not saying it’s unfeasible, but… How?
36: Just how many wheels has she gone through?
37: Why does he have his lasers set to invisible, when there are so many people hanging out at the lab? That’s just insane…
38: I know it’s a little early to be commenting on this, but is Disney so afraid of being racist that they’d make the black guy the neurotic whiner of the group?
39: Why doesn’t he just get a toolbox?
40: So, our female characters are a short tomboy and a tall excitable geek. And we don’t know their names. Are their names by chance, respectively, Ashley Spinelli and Gretchen Grundler?
41: Just how short were the focus group meetings that these characters were conceived in?
42: If this is a robotics lab, then why are they making electromag bikes, deadly lasers, and disintegration powder? Those aren’t robots.
43: And how the hell is the government not up their asses about weaponizing these inventions?
44: What did that lever do to the powder?
45: If it destroyed that ball all the way to the core, why is it not dangerous on her skin?
46: Why don’t Fred and Tadashi have nicknames?
47: What does Fred do at the robotics lab? What did he invent? Or does wearing a costume also count as a robotic?
48: He’s not even a student? Then how did he meet these people?
49: They’re letting non-students into a room with lethal weapons? That sounds dangerous in so, so many ways!
50: Oh yeah, Shrink Rays aren’t science… But neurotransmitter headbands that let you control hordes of microbots with your mind are. Nice consistency.
51: How does Baymax balance without feet?
52: Whose voice did Tadashi record for Baymax?
53: Where’s Hiro’s emotional pain coming from? He should be excited by this!
54: How does Baymax learn somebody’s entire physical health by scanning them?
55: Okay, so here’s one of my biggest problems with this movie; Tadashi invents a learning and adapting medical robot, and Hiro invents a horde of magnets that take whatever shape you’re thinking. But in order to do that, they had to also have invented artificial intelligence and telekinetic neurotransmitters. Those, on their own, are HUGE scientific breakthroughs, but the world seems almost entirely disinterested!
56: How can he lift 1000 pounds as a balloon?
57: Where did he get that lollipop?
58: When the professor’s daughter was younger, she wanted to be a bot fighter. How long has bot fighting been around?
59: Why doesn’t Tadashi just say that from the door?
60: As I mentioned earlier, tech schools are obscenely expensive. Who would pay for Hiro’s tuition?
61: Does this showcase offer a scholarship? It’d have to, right? Or would including that info dissuade people who can’t afford to attend a school like this on their own from attending thus working against the expensive tech schools that this part of the film is so obviously a commercial for?
62: Doesn’t Tadashi have studying to do, or are his only two jobs in this movie to introduce Baymax and inspire Hiro?
63: Whose workshop is that?
64: If his family is forced to live in the rooms above their own restaurant, then how does Hiro afford the materials to build so many of those microbots? Imagine the materials that go into those!
65: Why is that guy riding an excersize bike underwater? What invention is that?
66: Is everybody here trying to get into the same school?
67: Why is she telling a boy to woman up? Does she want him to be a woman? There’s nothing sexist about a woman telling a guy to man up…
68: Why would Fred be bragging about that underwear thing? If that’s something he’s proud of, how does he have friends?
69: Why does Hiro really want to go here? He’s capable of building an entire horde of microbots and the magical headband to control them in what appears to be a storage space… What does he need this school for? If it’s to make friends and see their inventions, well, not being a student doesn’t stop Frank!
70: Hasn’t anybody invented a microphone that doesn’t do that?
71: Were these microbots inspired at all by those picture forming fish in Finding Nemo?
72: How does each individual microbot know exactly where to go in the assigned shape?
73: How much focus does it take to get them to take and hold a single image without forming every single thought you have? I mean, even if you’re thinking about what they should form next, how do you stop them from doing it until the right moment?
74: How do they form colors?
75: Fuck it, I’m calling it right now… The headband is a lie. He’s just The Last Technologybender. It literally is just magic at this point.
76: Otherwise, how could those microbots be clinging to the ceiling?
77: Did somebody seriously attend this thing with a sewing machine that claps?
78: Why doesn’t Cray introduce himself like a non-villain would?
79: How is a kid who invented those things to get into college not ALSO guided by his self interest?
80: With the amount he had to spend to make those microbots, and the amount he’s going to have to spend now that he’s about to go to college, why the hell wouldn’t he take Cray’s offer?
81: And how does Cray know Hiro’s 14?
82: Now that Baymax is introduced, and Hiro’s been inspired, Tadashi’s doomed, isn’t he?
83: Okay, joking aside for a moment… When I first saw this movie, the first thing I thought when I heard the fire alarm was “Oh, Tadashi’s going to run in there for some reason and die as a big twagic hewo, isn’t he?” And yup. Doe-eyed, perfect Mary-Sue brother bites the dust. Disney wasn’t satisfied with just Hiro’s parents, were they?
84: And since Callaghan was too intriguing a character to just be wiped out off-screen, with Cray being way too sloppily obvious about it, I also figured out he was the villain after that explosion. Yay me, killing my own buzz.
85: How did Hiro not die from that shock wave?
86: A few weeks? How long has Hiro been sulking?
87: This is the first time in weeks that Hiro’s sustained a minor injury in his bedroom? He hasn’t stubbed his toe, or gotten a papercut, or anything?
88: Why wasn’t he programmed to deflate a little before bending over to touch someone’s foot?
89: How do Hiro’s arms reach his shelf?
90: Okay, so Hiro’s in a tight space, and Baymax has large, bulky arms with fat fingers. How did he get him out, exactly?
91: If the joke about robots detecting hormones and puberty was painful in the first transformers, why would it be any funnier here?
92: Why the hell did Tadashi program Baymax to talk about puberty? I get that a medical robot would be useful in quarantine zones, immune to the infections that humans would risk catching, but what’s the point of making him a freaking sex ed teacher?
93: What’s the effective range of those microbots?
94: Did Tadashi program Baymax with a detective mode? Or a curiosity mode? Something like that?
95: How did that slow moving balloon robot get so far in so little time?
96: Why can’t Hiro just tell his aunt that Baymax escaped?
97: How did Baymax get up on that trolley on his own… and how did he know where it would take him?
98: How does he know that the robot doesn’t want him to go beyond this building?
99: How did Baymax climb into that window?
100: Yeah, so… The only character who could conceivably steal the microbots and figure out how to make more from them is Callaghan. Is anybody actually still fooled at this point?
101: A movie steeped in science and technology actually believes the movie bullshit revolving around defibrillators?
102: Why is Callaghan wearing a mask? Scooby-doo logic?
103: How did a swinging window stick Baymax in the other way?
104: Why does Hiro use the word “Telepathically” instead of “Telekinetically?”
105: How did Baymax get those injuries, and how is the air coming out of him visible?
106: Why not just put Baymax away and eat with Aunt Cass? She seems like a lot of fun…
107: Why does Baymax deflate with depleted energy? Does it take battery power to sustain inflation?
109: Is that cat declawed?
110: He can download loads of data just by resting his hand on a computer? What the hell?
112: Wait, is Aunt Cass already done eating and engaged in a movie? He hasn’t been upstairs for more than five minutes tops!
113: Okay… If I comment on everything Big Hero 6 stole from Ironman and the other Marvel movies, I’ll be writing this all night. So I’ll just group it all in one question: Aside from the med robot turned warrior, did this movie have ANY original ideas?
114: Where did he get the material to make that armor?
115: Okay, that was a funny joke… But why is there a working vending machine in the warehouse? Who put it there, and who’s making money off of it? If it’s Hiro’s, then why not a cabinet or something?
116: I can’t believe I didn’t notice it until now, but why does Baymax blink?
117: How do those Microbots extend all the way to the bottom of that… Um… Lake… when their user can’t see the bottom, and thus can’t visualize what shape they should take in order to carry him?
118: How does a balloon in light armor weigh enough to put that big of a dent in the roof of a car?
119: When Hiro explains what this villain did at the lab, why doesn’t anybody in the car get upset about the fact that he indirectly killed Tadashi and (they believe) Callaghan? Don’t they care about their friend and beloved teacher, or is The Last Technology-Bender the only one whose feelings matter?
120: How has the big dent Baymax made just disappeared?
121: Would this chase scene go differently if there were other cars actively driving on the road?
122: How is a car with that high a center of gravity able to make that sideways jump without overturning?
123: What the hell? Those microbots can get a good enough grip to rip the door right off of a car? How?
124: Why do the microbots keep forming a tunnel instead of closing?
125: How does going underwater save them? Those microbots can cross the water easily! They can clearly and precisely operate underwater, we literally just saw them do it!
126: How does Baymax get them all out of the car?
127: Was that painting ‘inspired’ by the bull painting from Dodgeball?
128: Is that the Mockingjay?
129: Why do those comics all star the villains?
130: It’s late to ask this, but how did San Fransokyo come to be? I’d like to hear the history of that.
131: If Tadashi was your best friend, then why is Hiro the only one in need of emotional counselling?
132: Can’t Hiro just build another Neurotransmitter?
133: Hell, can’t he just build more Microbots?
134: Fallout Boy? Seriously? Fallout Boy?
135: A PURSE THAT COMBINES CHEMICALS? SERIOUSLY? I mean, it’s awesome, but how much of each chemical can it possibly hold, isolated, in that small a space?
136: How is Gogo using those foot-wheels perfectly on only the second try?
137: Wouldn’t Baymax be easier to fit armor onto if you asked him to deflate a bit first?
138: Okay, so earlier, Wasabi’s lasers were contained from one fixed point to another fixed point. This is because it’s impossible to make lasers stop in place without blocking them somehow. So how is Hiro’s upgrade able to make Wasabi’s lasers form an independent shape? Is he ACTUALLY a technologybender?
139: How does cowardly Wasabi have the coordination to successfully slice all of the balls aimed at his face?
140: How does the fist fly back to Baymax?
141: I asked a similar question earlier, but if Hiro’s such a genius that he can go from being amazed at these students’ inventions to perfecting them in the space of a month, why the fuck does he need college in the first place?
142: What do all those flying fan things do, anyway?
143: Is the flying with Baymax supposed to be Disney’s attempt at competing with How To Train Your Dragon?
144: How is that bird unscathed, and not scared?
145: Why would this event confirm that their gear works, when… And I can’t stress this enough… They missed the damn bird?
146: How was that bird insignia so conveniently placed for them to see it?
147: How does Hiro know how to operate those security videos? Oh, wait, Technology-Bender…
148: How did the security camera get all those different angles into one video?
149: What exactly happened to that broken teleporter?
150: Is he always in costume just in case somebody breaks in?
151: Do those microbots still work if they’re sliced in half? Because if not, then Wasabi’s lasers aren’t as effective as they look.
152: If Hiro’s microbots are strong enough to shield people from fiery explosions without being damaged, then why did he believe they were disintegrated in the fire?
153: For that matter, how did Callaghan create that giant explosive fire?
154: If Baymax was malfunctioning throughout all those tests, and Baymax was the one filming, why are they all filmed so clearly?
155: Are there people in that building?
156: I know I said I wouldn’t harp on the Marvel rip-offs, but damn, this climactic fight apes The Avengers like nobody’s business.
157: Why does Gogo keep removing her gum before doing things?
158: Is it just me, or is “Woman Up” the laziest attempt at female empowerment in the history of ever?
159: Since Gogo and her “Woman Up” catch phrase is supposed to show some pretense of female empowerment, I feel a moral obligation to point out that at no point during this movie do any of the female characters say a single word to each other. Even though two of them are constantly on screen together… Okay, HL says “Right behind you” to Gogo, but… That’s it! Bechdal test failed miserably.
160: If these microbots are strong enough to protect a person from the force of a giant explosion, how are any of these smaller impacts able to scatter it into tiny pieces?
161: At this point, why doesn’t Callaghan take the remaining Microbots and retreat to fight another day? It’s not too late to use them Gaara style and kill Krei(Whose name I’ve apparently been misspelling)…
162: Okay, so, if the portal is that big, has that much power, and is perpetually sucking in everything, then by the end of the movie, how much oxygen has it stolen from the earth? Somebody do the math on that, please!
163: If Baymax’s armor could stand up to the giant boulder that Callaghan threw at them in his hideout, then how… You know what? Never mind.
164: Is Hiro’s hero suit a functioning space suit? With oxygen and everything?
165: Why does Baymax need to deactivate in order to shoot his fist off?
166: How would the death of Krei have been a major catastrophe?
167: Do they mean the suffocation of the Earth? Because they didn’t really stop that… The portal conveniently collapsed on it’s own.
And… I don’t have any questions about the post credits scene. If you can answer any of the ones I did ask, please leave me a comment below. Well, that was my list of questions! Stay tuned next week for another full anime review!