Hello and welcome to the Fullmetal Narcissist anime blog! I’m your host, Naru the Narcissist, and I’m here with another top ten list! All right, continuing on from last week’s list, here’s my top ten least favorite characters! I hate these people!
10: Brigadier General Basque Grande, Fullmetal Alchemist
We’re starting things off with my least favorite character from my most favorite series. While Grande is certainly an irredeemable douche nozzle, I mainly hate him for the effect he had on the story. His role in the original anime was expanded from bantha fodder to writers’ convenience, and not a very good one. The Nina Tucker reveal is one of the few moments that I feel FMA dropped the ball on, and his part in it is irritatingly obvious. He hounds Shou Tucker about his assessment, which is completely unnecessary, and almost makes Shou look sympathetic. He abducts Shou and Nina in the aftermath, and although he seemed to present a strong threat, Ed’s interference is never addressed, nor is his covering up of the scandal. I realize that a lot of my hatred for him stems from weak writing, but what can you do? I still hate him. Thank god Scar still gets to give him a first hand look at his brain on drugs.
9: Yuka, from Elfen Lied
To be honest, I don’t care one way or another about the whole cousin incest thing. Especially in Japan, since in their culture, it’s not only okay, but sometimes even expected. What I do have a problem with is when a character falls in love with somebody as a child, doesn’t see them for ten entire years, but still feels obsessed with them upon meeting them ten years later. For this reason, Keitaro Urashima almost made this list, but was ultimately saved by the fact that there is one more likewise character who’s even worse than him. That’s right, #9 on my list is the cousin from Elfen Lied.
Now, let’s look past the fact that she’s voiced by one of my least favorite voice actors, doing her very worst performance ever. And let’s instead look at the fact that she does nothing throughout this show… And I mean absolutely Gorramn nothing… Except dump exposition and complain about the various ways in which her beloved is focusing his attention away from her. If she didn’t appear anywhere in this series other than the childhood flashbacks, then nothing… And I mean absolutely nothing… About the plot or story would have been affected. The only thing that would have changed is that the series would have been marginally more tolerable. And just because I DO feel like complaining about it, yes, that English dub performance was nothing but wooden, disinterested, and completely incompetent. What more could we expect from Nancy Novotny, who’s only good performance was in Azumanga Daioh?
Yeah, sorry, even with a good actor, I would’ve hated her, and… you know what? I dare you to like her. Not just to forgive her, which some people will do, but to genuinely like her. I dare you.
8: Ryo Akiyama, Digimon Tamers.
The word ‘Mary-Sue’ is thrown around a lot these days, and very rarely by people who understand it. I’m talking to you, SAO haters. But if there’s one franchise that‘s had it’s fare share of actual Mary-Sues, it’s Digimon. Most of them I can forgive, like Kari, who wasn’t in a very good show to begin with, and had a decent role in the story. I can’t say either of those things about the character of Ryo from Tamers. Not only is he a character from the best season in the franchise, but he was absolutely unnecessary to the story. He popped in out of nowhere, to tease the video game fans, gave the cast a p[lace to sleep, got overtly fawned over by two other characters because of “how awesome and wonderful he is,” and then just disappeared. He has no character arc, and no development, and yet he’s the fourth and final tamer to biomerge. The story would not have been any different without him in it.
7: The Narrator, Ookami-san and Her Seven Companions
I’ve complained about this character on my blog before, and trust me, she’s not the only one on my list that I’ve done so with. I really did try to enjoy Ookamisan, gaping flaws and disturbing levels of sexism aside, but I just couldn’t with this omnipotent voice ruining everything by talking over the dialogue and rarely ever giving us anything useful in the way of information, tone or mood. She acts more like a noisy moviegoer than a proper narrator, and yet she’s present throughout the entire series. I don’t know what she was actually intended to do in regards to the story… Maybe constantly contradict herself?
At one point in the show, the cast just arbitrarily starts swearing, and the narrator calls out ‘beep’ whenever needed. This would have been funny as a running gag, But she stops and gives up, stating that she can’t keep up with it, but they stop at that exact moment!
Oh, and it gets better. There’s a swimsuit competition… As every bad show with a large female cast will eventually have… And the main character competes wearing her school uniform, with the narrator saying she won’t show skin because she’s the lead. Gee, is this the same lead who had two shower scenes in episode one? Maybe she’s reluctant because you insulted her body in both of those scenes?
Yeah, we never see this woman’s face, and yet she makes an already bad show borderline unwatchable.
6: The Maker, Angel Beats!
Hating Angel Beats is like hating a toddler… It may be really dumb and make no sense, but that’s simply how it is. You can’t fault a toddler for being a toddler any more than you can fault a tree for being a tree. But there’s one moment in the show, I alluded to it in my review, that actually feels like a punch in the face. After battling hordes of Shadow Demons, Yuri finally discovers the thief who’s been stealing computers and causing problems for everyone. He’s a mysterious boy who’s face is hidden in shadows, controlling everything through means that the anime never explains, because it’s Angel Beats. When Yuri presses him about what’s going on, how does he answer her? What explanations does he give for this world? For the way it works? For the violent glitches? His answers range from “It was like this when I got here” to “The power of love,” turning an already questionable storyline into a giant waste of time. The show had always been dumb, but this was the only time where it felt like the writers were snidely saying “Yeah, it’s dumb, but you’re the one wasting your time on it. What were you expecting, watching it this far in?” A really good character can save a really bad show, but a really bad character can make it even worse. Hell, even people I’ve spoken to who love this show with all their heart still hate this guy.
5: Kei Kurono, Gantz
I am very well aware of the fact that men think about sex a lot. It’s pretty universal. It doesn’t matter what age we are, or what sexual preference we may have, we’re always thinking about getting laid, especially if we haven’t yet. It’s like Jeff Foxworthy said… From the age of fifteen to the grave, our thought process is “I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked.
That’s all well and good, but when a girl you like is acting very vulnerable, and telling you about why she tried to commit suicide, you should probably keep it in your pants and listen to her like a decent human being. And yet, from the moment Kei Kurono meets Kei Kishimoto, the only thing he ever thinks about is whether or not she’ll bang him, and why she hasn’t yet. She wasn’t a person to him, she was big breasts and a pretty face, and even as she tried her hardest to be friends with him, he ultimately just gave up on her and threw his V-Card at the first woman who offered to take it.
There are plenty of other reasons for me to put Kei on this list, but to be completely honest, I haven’t actually sat down to watch Gantz in over five years, mainly because I don’t want to have to watch this loathesome douchebag all over again. He’s supposed to be an awful character, and I understand that, but they did way too good a job of it, and he doesn’t develop until way too late into the series. And even then, he just arbitrarily becomes a better fighter just because he wanted to live… You know, just like that girl from The Host.
4: Meiko Shimono, Hell girl
There’s a good reason that I didn’t put anybody from School Days on this list. They may be horrible people, but if they hadn’t committed their acts of douchebaggery, we’d have never been able to see that epic, satisfying ending. But it’s also possible for a horrible character to receive a punishment that’s not satisfying at all, compared to their crimes. To give you a brief run-down, Meiko Shimono is an angry, selfish, paranoid, bitter woman who killed both of her parents to get their inheritance money, and then killed her own infant so he couldn’t take it from her later. She buried the three bodies in her garden, and when she thought a couple of loose dogs may have accidentally uncovered the bodies, she kidnapped them, and forced their child owner into servitude. Over the course of the episode, she killed the dogs, one of which had just given birth, and established her character even further by drowning their puppies, and all she got in return was a trip to hell with a disfigured face and several little puppy demons to haunt her. Sounds awesome, I know, but she still deserved worse. I don’t know, like I said earlier, I can’t really forgive a character just because they were designed to make me hate them. Do a good job of it, and I’ll still hate them anyway.
3: Ash Ketchum, Pokemon
You may agree or disagree with the entries on this list, but I think I don’t think I’ll hear much complaint on this one. Ash Ketchum is a whiny, useless little jock-itch, and he’s a terrible contender for either the title of pokemon master OR the achievement of catching them all. In fifteen years, he’s only owned around fifty different pokemon! On top of that, he couldn’t figure out the GS ball, he never went back for Pidgeot after promising to return for him, and he’s been ten years old for almost as long as Bart Simpson. This show would have been a lot better if Gary had been the main character… He catches a lot more pokemon, he earned two extra badges, he actually had some sort of character arc that we never got to see… Even when I was a kid, when he and Ash met up again at the beginning of Orange Islands, I wanted to switch perspectives over to him! Hell, Gary had an Eevee, and it kicked Pikachu’s yellow ass!
Anyway, my frustration with this charity case only got stronger as I got older, and that’s not something I can say about a lot of characters. I’m only putting him at number three because Pokemon was a huge part of my childhood, and if I dare give him a lower number, my nostalgia goggles will tighten and kill me.
These days, he’s not so much a character as he is a promotional vehicle for the new starters of every generation. I really wish that coma theory wasn’t complete BS.
2: Eneru, One Piece
Would you like Darth Vader if his lightsaber couldn’t cut through flesh? If, when he tried to cut Luke’s hand off, he just grazed it? Would you like Wolverine if his claws couldn’t cut through human flesh? I sure as hell wouldn’t. When a story tells me that I should be intimidated by a character, I want to know that they at least have the ability to kill someone. And Eneru, the god of Skypeia, is considered so intimidating that the entire civilization is afraid to speak ill of him. Because when he shoots laser cannons down on you from the heavens, it can kill you, right?
Nope. no, no it can’t. He can burn through eight feet of solid stone floor, but the human body standing on top of that floor remains pretty much in one piece, albeit in need of a little rest. The people he electrocutes directly need a bit MORE time to recover, and when he shoots a bolt directly into your brain? Eh, you’ll wake up with a minor headache. Take a few Aspirin tablets and call me in the morning.
I couldn’t stop yelling “Are you [expletive] kidding me?” at this guy, every single time one of his victims survived, but hey, I kept telling myself, at least he killed that one old man. At least he’s done something remotely threatening.
Then, in the final moments of this abortion of a story arc, it was revealed that the old man somehow survived, and I got so angry that I had to turn the show off for a few days just to calm myself down a bit.
1: Saya Kisaragi, Blood C
What’s worse than an ineffective, incompetent villain? Why, an ineffective, incompetent hero, of course! And they don’t get any more ineffective or incompetent than Saya, the latest incarnation of the Blood franchise hero, and she couldn’t possibly deserve the title less. For those of you who are familiar with my work, this should come as no surprise to you, as I mentioned very clearly about this character being my least favorite of all time. Ignoring the obvious moes she panders to… Like meganekko, clumsy girl, and miko… as well as her admittedly awesome character design, she is so ridiculously incompetent that she made the show physically painful to watch. Much like Narrator-chan, I’ve discussed this character to death already, so there isn’t much I can really say about her. In general, a character who can make me scream myself into a sore throat is a character I’m going to despise, and who is pretty much automatically bound for this list.
But for those of you who haven’t seen my other reviews, I’ll offer a brief summary. Her role in the story is to defend her friends and neighbors from terrifying creatures that want to gruesomely devour them, and she’s so impossibly bad at it that she only manages to save one person… That’s one single, solitary person… Throughout the entire show. That’s not counting the people that are carrying monster-repelling talismans. She can transform into her former bad-ass vampire self, but of course, she never does this until it’s too late, and after each failure, she doesn’t even seem to appear depressed about her dead friends that she failed.
Yeah, I’ve exhausted myself on discussing this pathetic excuse for a hero. And here’s the fun part, she’s going to be in another top ten list at some point in the future! Yay! Christ. I haven’t seen the movie, but with the impression the series left on me, I have no desire to change that.
Well, there you have it, my top ten least favorite characters. Agree? Disagree? want to make your list known? Please, do so!